Affairs: Rebuilding Your Relationship

Do Wally and Helen have what it takes to recover? Should I stay or should he go? How will I know?

  • Some partners who say they are willing to end their affairs and rebuild their marriage may not really mean it. One sure way of sabotaging a relationship is continuing to have contact with the affair partner.
  • Another factor that results in failed recovery is when there is little effort to understand and communicate about the preconditions that resulted in a decision to have an affair. The unhappy partner that chose to stray must now make attempts to understand why he strayed.
  • Rebuilding is difficult when the partner that has had the affair is not willing to allow their partner the time and effort to heal. "I have had enough of your complaining about my affair, it's in the past and I don't want to talk about it any more". Yes, there is a point when the wounded partner must let go and move on, but this is only after he or she has had ample time to vent and process all the complicated feelings that go with working through an affair. If the offending partner is not willing to listen and talk and reassure the wounded partner about what happened, conflict will continue as the wounded partner will be anxious, depressed and obsessed about whether the affair is really over or could happen again The offending partner has to cooperate and take major responsibility in rebuilding trust.

In my counseling practice a majority of couples have recovered after an affair. But they must do the work.